I miss my friends.
I’m stepping out there, really I am. Truth be told, I hate meeting new people. I still feel like I’m in 7th grade, but I know there is no other way to meet people and make friends than to just go out and be vulnerable.
Ava & I have been going to a young moms’ small group for about 5 months now (I think). Sometimes it feels pointless in going, she doesn’t play with other kids, she’s too tiny…she didn’t really play with toys until November…she can’t sit up on her own yet. The other kids come close to her and point and say “baby” and she gets knocked in the head and almost stepped on…but we go anyway.
It disrupts her schedule…it takes place a half hour after her naptime usually kicks in and sometimes she doesn’t get a good nap in on those days…but we go anyway.
I still don’t really have a connection with those other moms. They’re younger than me, and their babies are older than Ava, and they sound like nicer wives than I am…and they’re thinner, more comfortable, have better clothes, have better hair…but we go anyway.
Because I miss what I used to have, who I used to know…and I don’t remember anymore the time when those friendships used to be new and uncomfortable. I don’t remember anymore that I didn’t always trust Nicole and Cherie and Laura and Kathy and Debbie. I don’t remember anymore what it felt like to meet Cherie and say that I didn’t hug people the first time I met them. I don’t remember anymore that when I first met Nicole that I couldn’t tell her apart from her sister Michelle and she’d just gotten her license. I don’t remember holding Debbie’s daughter when she was barely a week old and I didn’t even know Debbie’s name.
I do remember that they’re still there…a thousand miles away…and most of them are home with their babies during the day. If I remember, I can make a pot of coffee and drink mine way over here, while they’re way over there and we talk on the phone. I remember that they are important to me…I remember who we were together before we were mommies. I remember that we once kicked some serious demon %^$^& and we knew who we were…
Someday, in the next phase, I’ll look back at this moment and know who I was…but right now, I don’t know who I am…and I don’t know who my friends are anymore, but I do know that this is a temporary feeling and next year the risks and the vulnerability will have paid off. Right now, it just feels very expensive.
2 Comments to
“You Can Pick Your Friends…”
- On January 10th, 2009 at 9:40 am sara kay Says:Lea, we don’t really know each other except by blogs, but I wanted to say, in case it helps, that I felt exactly the same way after my first baby. It caused a crisis of my entire identity. My Hannah was about 10 months when I started the play group at my house, and I was absolutely terrified. It was all I could do to speak up and ask people if they had any prayer requests and then pray for somebody. But I had no friends – all of my friends not only didn’t have children, most of them weren’t even dating anyone. I had to do something! And I have seen God bless the risk I took with more wonderful friendships than I could have imagined. I pray the same will happen for you!
- On January 14th, 2009 at 10:01 pm booty Says:Let me say that I appreciate your honesty. I worry because I don’t make friends easily, I don’t hug on first meeting and being vulnerable isn’t my strongest quality. My friends are all older with either grown children or no possibility for children. I hope it gets better. It’s not about how pretty or thin or what kind of wife you are because you do well in all those things. I have to pray that it will all come to you and you will indeed look back at this and know that it was you all along. Love you Lea.