Renewing Mercies…A Little Each Day

Starting over from scratch…sorta

You’re Only Still Alive Because You’re So Effin Cute

September23

I thought of saying you’re so “darned” cute, but I think everyone on the planet (especially in my neighborhood) knows I swear like a sailor…so…I mean, really who am I kidding?

They argue with me.  And screa  bh vfty (thank you Christopher)…and scream.  Christopher screams when he’s unhappy.  My generally happy, sweet boy, at bedtime, if the stars aren’t aligned, is a holy screaming terror of biblical proportions.  Ava, not to be outdone, argues ad nauseum…or ad timeout-dum.  They are exhausting.  They are small people.  They are instigators of insanity.  I’m not really sure who said the “I hope you have children just like you” curse to us, and yes, the screaming boy is definitely my punishment, but the argumentative girl? Where did she come from? That so wasn’t me.

I was good!  I swear!  Petrified into goodness and hated getting in trouble.  There’s no possible way I got as many spankings and certainly not as many time outs as this child.  I think she weighs getting her way and doing what she wants versus how much she actually hates whatever punishment we’ve threatened.  Essentially, she’s got that whole “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness, than permission” bull down pat.

Not to say that she’s not a fun kid, or that Christopher isn’t my little lovie that gives the best “muah” kisses in the world…but sometimes they make me want to run away from home…or run away from home, find a bar and start drinking my weight in fruity vacation cocktails.

Which makes me wonder…because my children’s every flaw is, of course, my fault as their mother…if I were to have had them younger, would I have wanted to escape them so often? Or, would I have been one of those mommies who says “I love being a mommy! It’s the best job ever!”, “Oh, they are such a joy!”, “They’re so brilliant! I know they’re going to do something spectacular with their lives!”  And, hell no, I don’t want to sit at a desk answering phones anymore, and I can’t sit at a computer and still see at the end of the day anymore and technology has advanced beyond my current knowledge…and my children are quite entertaining, and funny as all get out, kooky goofballs that make me smile and laugh, but most days, when I’m screaming “STOP GIVING ME ATTITUDE AND TAKE A NAP….YOU NEED TO REST AND RESET YOUR DAY BECAUSE YOU’RE MAKING ME CRAZY”  I don’t actually want to be near them, and if I don’t lock them in their room and go take a nap myself or stare at the Glitter Jar, I might actually Google “how to send your children to the moon so you can get some peace and quiet and actually go potty alone” and follow through with the step-by-step directions.

I could, of course, get a babysitter, go get my nails done, or shop at Hobby Lobby with the hopes that something doesn’t get pulled off the shelf and smashed on the floor without me looking…  or I could, sit down and do an actual devotional…but my head doesn’t get quiet for that long.

In the meantime, I will attempt to sit down and watch a somewhat grown up movie where no one gets murdered or has sex in front of my 4-year-old and fold 90 loads of laundry before birthday party number 3 for this weekend.

You all enjoy the beginning of fall, especially you New Englanders, and uh, yeah, party on.

posted under Ava, Christopher, Mommy-ness
One Comment to

“You’re Only Still Alive Because You’re So Effin Cute”

  1. On October 13th, 2012 at 7:24 am Grammarie Says:

    Yes, that’s “Motherhood”! The thing you wanted so badly all those years and had no idea what you were saying! It’s what it is. There’s no surprise that “most of childhood behavior is unpleasant” ~ a brilliant and helpful statement I read in a book when I was going through the same daily trials as you are now. It was helpful just to know I was not alone. There were other Moms out there wrestling with the same “How could I love them so much and want to kill them 1/2 the time?” Not to belabor the point BUT… it would be different if you were here because I’d be there to take the burden from you from time to time (or on a regular basis ~ or every day) just like my Mom did for me. I look back and all my memories of time spent with you and Steven and they are all good ~ we played outside, made cookies, did crafty little things, went for walks, had friends over ~ all that stuff! And we did do those things! What I don’t remember are the fighting, screaming, picking on each other constantly moments. In my adult head, it was all good back then. Of course, I remember some really bad times when we were all scared of the same person and hid out ~ unfortunately that is still all very clear. I also remember the being very poor and having very little food and being freezing cold. It was good that we moved on.

    Do you remember being yelled at? Oh, yeah. You didn’t get yelled at ~ you really were the perfect kid. I’m sorry you felt the burden of having to have to be perfect. I hope I wasn’t the one who gave you that impression ~ that I expected you to do that ~ because I didn’t feel that way at all. You were just good all the time ~ and trying to make up for Steven… I don’t remember him being all that bad but he sure tortured you! That was what made us all crazy ~ from 6 months till high school ~ that boy pushed your buttons! And look at you! Both you and Steven want so much to see each other again! I love that you guys truly love each other!

    Motherhood is tough. You are in it for life. The plan is to take these self-centered little creatures and love them and train them up to be good, obedient, intelligent, loving, kind, agreeable people and so much more. And their nature is to fight you every step of the way! No wonder you are stressed! You have to give up everything YOU want to do ALL of the time. No surprises here but there’s little to no downtime. It’s a constant until… forever.

    I can truly say I enjoyed raising you and Steven. Not to say it wasn’t hard because it was in so many ways. But I loved it ~ and miss my babies. (You will too.) I don’t think your age has anything to do with whether it would have been easier or not because you are still you. The one thing that might be the cause is that you had a lot more time to be you and do what YOU wanted to do WHEN you wanted to do it. That could have been a reason why it’s so hard to be totally focused on them ~ OR you could look at it as you had your time, now it’s their’s.

    I never had “me time” (well, till I was 30-something!) ~ I went right to you & Steven. However, we all know that your 20 year old Mommy is quite different from the 45 year old Mommy Sam got! But it’s not just my age that makes the difference ~ I have Bob and a far more stable life. AND his help! He’s a great Dad and is very much engaged in Sam’s life ~ always has been. He was the first to hold him, the first to change his diaper, he could not wait to get home to that little baby ~ even when all he could do was squirm, coo, cry & wet. As he grew Bob was with him in everything ~ brought him snapping turtles and spiders and snakes (crazy man!) Sam is still the center of Bob’s universe and Sam is his best friend. But now he’s not so good at making him do his homework or going to be on time ~ he’s dropped the ball on those things so once again, I’m the screamer! Grrrr, I hate being that!

    As Ava & Christopher grow up your life will change. It will be calmer. You will find new ways of dealing with Ava but she may always be tough. (Oh my, wait till the teenage years!) I hope you find what motivates her! And Chris will always be a little love.

    I wish I were there to help… But I’m here for you whenever you need me. And I’m looking forward to those “I’m going to GramMarie’s for summer vacation” years!!!

    I love you my baby girl!