Renewing Mercies…A Little Each Day

Starting over from scratch…sorta

Pestiness and Screaming and Unconditional Love


Hopefully this falls out of my head and through my fingers with few typos and a modicum of coherence…  The point of this should be, I love my brother.  Let’s see where this goes.

So yesterday, I tried to take a “Happy Birthday Mimi” video of my kids and my phone with it’s iOS 6 update, has decided that there’s just not enough room on my phone for anything, ever.  I’ve reduced the bulk of my emails.  I don’t actually keep any music on iTunes or whatever.  I delete podcasts after I listen to them.  And, for the record, I have far fewer apps on my phone than I did with my previous phones.  I don’t know what the deal is Apple, but you’re chafing my ass with all this nit-picky crap.

So yesterday, I discovered that I have a crap-ton, and that’s a very very lot of text messages that I never delete.  I mean, really, never.  So I started purging.  There was the usual, “can you pick up some milk on the way home” kind of chit chat, the “35% off all Arbonne if you order by the 30th of the month” group texts, and then there are the “Ava’s going to be a big seester” texts from when we found out there was going to be a Christopher.  Some are keepers you see.

Amongst the overwhelming mass of nonsense, is the running conversation with my brother Steven.  Random texts from Ava to him when she heisted my phone, “what was the song the ice cream truck in Bridgeport played”, memories of favorite great-aunts & uncles, random memory lane stuff, baby announcements, happy birthdays, do you remember that song from Music Machine, stuff only I’d get, stuff only he’d get.  Because of who we are…because of how we lived…because of who we became for each other.  We lived a life that no one else did, of course while we were in the midst of it we fought like animals.  Oh dear God, the crazy screaming fights and punching and kicking and slamming doors and vicious words (mostly from me).  Frantic, pathetic calls to my mom at work “Steven kicked me in the face and broke my jaw”  Obviously didn’t break my jaw, because I could still speak, but it hurt.  We were mean to each other.  And then there was college, and being roommates, and now we’re friends, and very very far apart.

My kids are us, in reverse.  Ava is Steven and Christopher is me.  She wants to be with people, she wants to be with people to the point that she is a little suffocating.  She wants to hug Chris.  She wants to give him kisses.  She wants to marry him.  (This is not sounding like Steven at all actually, but bear with me)  She is thoughtful and so upset when he gets in trouble…even though she probably tattled on him.

Christopher, on the other hand, just wants to play by himself.  He needs a little “me time”.  He’ll play for hours by himself.  He comes up for air and a hug from Mommy every once in a while, but most often he’s just fine with a little quiet time.  Until his sister gets bored being alone and then descends on his peaceful kingdom of race cars and giant legos and starts running the show.  Then, it’s a giant screamfest and I’m about ready to beat both of them.

Steven never really liked being by himself, it seems.  We’d get home from school and go watch separate TVs at my grandparents house and I’d be all calm watching Hazel or Father Knows Best or some other crappy reruns and he’d be downstairs watching MTV or Ren & Stimpy or I have no idea what he was actually watching.  All of the sudden…”WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” scare the crap out of me, make me scream and do something pesty to piss me off and go on his merry way.

I think though, after at least 20 years (since that’s how long I’ve been out of high school) and however many miles separate us…I think he still misses me.

All this to say, Hey Steven, Christopher and I listened to Nathaniel the Grublet together this morning.  It was pretty awesome, still remembered a ton of the words, but it wasn’t the same as it was 30+ years ago hiding from Dire Wood behind the couch with you.  I miss you!


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5 Comments to

“Pestiness and Screaming and Unconditional Love”

  1. On February 12th, 2013 at 11:34 am your brother Says:

    Aww shucks, I told the kicking you in the face story the other day, but I DIDN’T leave out you biting me on the back….ahhh memories. What’s funny, and I already posted this on your facespace, but I actually was able to seek out and find a copy of that record (nathaniel the grublet). Haven’t listened to it, I think I got it more for the nostalgic factor. Its kinda beat up, and I like to think that some how the copy we had when we were kids found its way back to me, torn pages and all.
    Either way, yes, I was an the antagonist for the majority of our youth,, from crawling across the floor as a baby to attack you or hiding in the hallway closet to scare the shit out of you when you would go to hang up your coat. Memories like that I will hold dearly for the rest of my life, but also, making sure to ask the lady at the bank for 2 lollypops so that I could give one to my sister or when I was sick with the flu and you were playing with jenny jones, putting a piece of candy bar on a ruler and sliding it through the space in the front hallway just to share some of the on going fun.
    I love you very much, miss you more than I could possibly write, wonder if I’ll ever meet christopher or see ava before she’s driving. These are just things that happen when we grow up and life turns away from care free to no free anything. Regardless, distance can never be far enough to erase where we come from.

    I love you very much Lea.
    Be well,

    P.s. now if I can only find an origional pressing of music machine I would be in business!!

  2. On February 12th, 2013 at 12:21 pm Lea Says:

    Oh yeah…I did bite you…I couldn’t remember exactly what I did so I left it out…and putting my knuckle into the space between your shoulder blades and forcing you to the floor. I could fight dirty. And Court totally doesn’t understand why I hit when I get mad or when he pesters like a brother and pushes all my buttons. I should really grow up.

  3. On February 13th, 2013 at 9:14 pm your brother Says:

    Yeah, I have now grown into “alone time” no punching, hitting, biting and/or whatever. Love yah

  4. On February 14th, 2013 at 7:38 am Mommy Says:

    You 2! My precious babies all grown up! This story-conversation is the BEST Valentine gift ever! You made me laugh, cry and remember. It was just you 2 together ~ having no idea the bonding taking place in your hearts at the time you were kicking and biting each other!

    Lea, the happiest child on the planet woke up happy and singing every morning. Steven, from the moment you could scoot around on your own, attacked & tortured your sister ~ she was your target, your ultimate reward her scream! Someday I hope you will experience this from the vantage point of “the parent” ~ it seems only fair. Little Creatures… I’m so happy you both look back on these times as “fond memories” and that you don’t hate each other or hold vendettas! It could have gone that way except for the fact that you are not those kinds of people ~ your love goes deep. (I am so blessed!)

    Watching Lea’s kids interact is like stepping back in time for me ~ yes, Ava’s the attack dog and Chris, totally unaware (like his Mom) of the looming master plan about to be executed on his quiet little world..and then familiar scream!

    I would never have imagined that Nathaniel the Grublet and the Music Machine would have left such an indelible mark on your lives. Maybe it was because we didn’t have a TV and there was nothing else to do. Or maybe it was so well done that you wanted to hear the adventures over & over. Life was pretty hard back then ~ it was probably good to know there was something scarier in Dire Wood.

    I’m so very proud of both of you ~ the lives you’ve made for yourselves and the heart connection you share. Things no one else (except maybe me) were there to share ~ NH, Pacific St, Churchill ~ others were around but none shared the “times” of your life. My heart breaks that you cannot spend time together now… if I only had the money I would fix that.

    I love you both more than you can imagine! Happy Valentine’s Day!

  5. On February 21st, 2013 at 8:52 pm Lea Says:

    Um, to confess…Court was pestering me the other night and I bit him on the nose. I’ve learned nothing.